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Dr Danny Penman
At the start of 2012, I decided to stop playing around on the fringes of Mindfulness, stop quoting from it and stop referring to it loosely in my work and to actually study it properly.
The first stop on this journey was of course to buy Mindfulness – finding peace in a frantic world by Dr Danny Penman and Professor Mark Williams. The book strips back the rhetoric that normally intimidates those wishing to develop the practice – there is no “higher plane” stuff here, no language that excludes – just a real and practical introduction to the subject and a proper tutorial guide.
My next step was to interview Dr Penman which was an experience much like, one imagines, it would be to interview Professor Brian Cox – passion for his subject without intimidating you with his knowledge.
Although he had practised meditation since his youth, until five years ago Dr Penman reserved judgment, at least, about the real power of meditation but when an accident left him critically injured when paragliding with his friend Mark Williams (the Professor with whom he later co-authored this book) he learned the power of meditation first hand.
Critically injured and in constant pain, Dr Penman recalled in an article for the Daily Mail how he could see the bone in the lower half of his right leg had been driven up through his knee and into his thigh.
“As I lay there in pain, I remembered a form of meditation that I had been taught in the sixth form of my comprehensive school in Cheshire, as a way of tackling exam nerves.
Over the years I’d used it to deal with the usual stresses and strains of daily life, but never in times of physical pain. But I knew that meditation (and self-hypnosis) had been used for pain relief and, as I lay on the hillside, in sheer desperation I tried them both. I forced myself to breathe slowly and deeply, to focus on the sensations the breath made as it flowed in and out. I pictured myself in a beautiful garden and imagined myself inhaling its peaceful and tranquil air
Gradually, breath by breath, the pain became more distant. It felt less ‘personal’, almost as if I was watching it on TV”
In hospital it became apparent how seriously injured he was — and just how effective a painkiller the meditation had been.
“My leg was so badly broken that I would need three major operations. I also needed a newly invented device, a Taylor Spatial Frame, to be surgically attached to my leg for up to 18 months to repair the damage. Consisting of four equally spaced rings that encircled my lower leg, the frame looked like a cross between a Meccano set and a medieval torture device. Fourteen metal spokes and two bolts connected these rings to the shards of bone inside my leg, and allowed the surgeon to move the fragments around inside.
Life with the frame was intolerable. Sleep was virtually impossible, and the pain was controlled with powerful drugs that left him washed-out and jaded.
“I felt thoroughly wretched — anxious, irritable and highly stressed. So I decided to find an alternative way of coping with the pain and of maximising my chances of recovery”.
Dr Penman then discovered the work of Mark Williams, Professor of Clinical Psychology at Oxford University who with colleagues at the universities of Cambridge, Toronto, and Massachusetts had spent 20 years studying the phenomenal power of meditation for treating anxiety and even full-blown depression.
“They had turned it into a therapy known as Mindfulness-Based Cognitive Therapy (MBCT) that was gaining the support of doctors and scientists. It had even been endorsed by the U.S. National Institutes of Health and in Britain by the National Institute for Health and Clinical Excellence (Nice). It’s also been shown to be as effective as drugs for treating depression. In fact, it’s now one of the preferred treatments recommended by Nice”.
Now aged 44, Dr Penman is convinced he MBCT is why he recovered in double-quick time “the leg frame was removed after just 17 weeks rather than the normal six to 18 months”.
Firstly I congratulated Danny on a great book and thanked him too for the added bonus of the guided mediation CD included in the cover.
EM: I talk about your work and your book when training this year and just recently I was asked about one sentence in particular that you use “your thoughts are not you”. Where I would historically say to delegates “your thoughts are not the whole of you” it’s just a word but you see a conflict in the different phrasing?
DP: Nooo, I was just trying to convey that we all spend so much time thinking and we associate it with a “voice” when really its just one aspect. Thoughts are driven by underlying emotions, physical sensations, our thoughts lead to another thought– thoughts leak. For example, you could be just walking and feel a stiffness in the neck and often our first thoughts are “Oh I’m stressed, what am I stressed about? It must be the exam, or the job interview…….I’m stressed because I am nervous about it…….what if I fail….everyone will think I’m stupid….maybe I am”. You can drive yourself into negativity or you can choose to act: the voice is not a commandment – we have choices. That’s really what I meant about “thoughts are not you.
EM: The most important ethos that comes across from your book is that we should be “compassionate” with ourselves in the first instance rather than rush to criticise ourselves because we haven’t fixed a problem – have I got that impression correctly and would you elaborate on that?
DP: Being “compassionate” with ourselves seems a little indulgent at first glance but as soon as you see how the mind and body work – you understand it more. If you are “approach orientated” and become more open to new experiences, you are likely to spot more opportunities, adopt a positive disposition. I do believe that we must strive for compassion because it’s good for us as individuals and good for society as a whole.
EM: Although the practice of Mindfulness is applicable to everyone – it does have to be learnt doesn’t it?
DP: Yes, all of the techniques are straightforward but someone needs to tell you how to do it. Like everything else in life – it takes practice. The book is enough to learn from but the Oxford Centre of Mindfulness also run courses.
Having read the book and listening to the Guided Meditations CD that accompanies it, I agree: the book does cover all the likely problems one might encounter and the techniques are incredibly straightforward – there is no airy fair stuff here: just the “ethos”, the “why” and loads of the “how”.
EM: I found myself nodding and agreeing with the examples you give in your book especially the Habit Breaker actions. I have always been fascinated by how powerful the results can be from just making small different actions and how this can change the dynamic and change how one see things. In my work we allow the client to “choose” the “do something different” task [the equivalent of his Habit Breaker Action] according to how they live their life – is that something that you do?
DP: We give specific examples because they are relevant to each meditation – so the Habit Breakers in the book are best ones to follow. We are all so driven –we feel we have to do so much and that we need to rush things but we really shouldn’t – breaking two or three small habits a week is better than rushing to break one big habit.
EM: How confident are you that Mindfulness will be embraced on a wider level within the NHS especially given that it’s now one of the preferred treatments recommended by Nice?
DP: What seems to be happening is that independent practitioners, like GPs for instance are increasingly recommending Mindfulness – it has so many applications, of course. If everyone spent 10-20 minutes practising Mindfulness daily – the diseases we accept as the norm would be radically diminished.
Our belief and hope is that Mindfulness will become like brushing our teeth for instance. One hundred years ago – no one brushed their teeth, they just accepted that their teeth would fall out and indeed they did. Then Dentists came along and now people take it for granted that they will have good teeth all their lives if they take care of them. I think that in 50 years time, people might be as shocked when they look back and consider that in 2012 people didn’t take the time to meditate.
EM: On that note, what about Schools? Are there any plans to teach children how to practice Mindfulness, on a wider scale?
DP: There has been a Pilot project co-ordinated by University of Canterbury – they got very good results. My hunch is that individual schools will start to adopt it and it will become more widespread.
I started meditation myself at 16 when I was introduced to it by my English teacher Pat Field at Neston Comprehensive School, Wirral, who believed it would relieve exam stress. I do get a sense that people are very receptive to it and are indeed looking for a way forward and the increasing sales of our book would certainly indicate this.
EM: A businessman I was talking to recently about Mindfulness said “I’m not the sandal-wearing type” – do you find that is a common response from the business world?
DP: Occasionally, but they are also in the business of making money and not wasting it. The biggest waste of money in business is time lost because of people’s depression, anxiety and stress – I was approached to talk to Heads of various banks recently. At Board level, executives are looking to invest in human resources and how Mindfulness can help. Of course there might be cynicism in some business quarters but mainly I am finding acceptance of its use.
EM: I was surprised to see “Mindful acceptance is not resignation – it is not acceptance of the unacceptable” on Page 45. I would have personally put that on the jacket or in the opening sentence in order to encourage people, like that businessman for instance, who generally consider meditation or indeed anything that centres on inner as indeed “accepting the unacceptable”
DP: That’s interesting – yes, you’re possibly right – it is crucial to highlight this. “Acceptance” as a word has a bad reputation and immediately some people think of it as “resignation”. People have different concepts of “acceptance” – it carries lots of negative connotations but of course when they read the book – it becomes very obvious, very quickly what the true meaning of “Acceptance” is.
EM: My introduction of Mindfulness, and your book, this year with delegates attending our courses will be your “chocolate mediation” – any tips on implementing this en masse?
DP: The great way to do meditation with a group is not to lead but to “do it along with the group”, using present tense, i.e. “now tasting the vanilla, now smelling the aroma” and not to ask questions as that will trigger thoughts.
I was very grateful to Dr Penman for his time and for this book – if it is possible for a book to be “approachable” then this is. I notice that the authors haven’t gone for endorsements from the neuroscientists or clinicians (although they could easily have of course) but instead people like Goldie Hawn and Ruby Wax to call us to the bookshelf and the authors announce themselves on the cover as Danny Penman and Mark Williams rather than “Dr” and “Professor” to further assure us that this isn’t a book just for practitioners and counsellors but for anyone who wants to be more mindful and indeed find peace in a frantic world.
Dr Penman’s website is: www.franticworld.com His book Mindfulness – a practical guide to finding peace in a frantic world is available on Amazon
Eileen Murphy
info@brief-therapy-uk.com
www.brief-therapy-uk.com
Twitter: EileenHMurphy
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Posted in General, Parenting, Pyschologist, Pyschology, Therapy
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Tagged Acceptance, change, Depression, Dr Danny Penman, education, emotions, Habit Breakers, Meditation, mental health, Mindfulness, Professor Mark Williams, Pyschology, thoughts
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 John Thompson as Bernard Righton I know its only been a while since I talked about the discourtesy shown to Michael McIntyre at the Comedy Awards last year and here I am again pondering why it has become so acceptable for comedians, in particular, to get a laugh at any expense without a thought for how the joke lands.
It was listening to Olivia Colman, the actress who plays Carol Thatcher in the new Meryl Streep film The Iron Lady that stopped me in my tracks this time. Not that she said anything cruel, quite the opposite. When asked about her portrayal of Carol Thatcher, she seemed at pains to convey that she had “not wished to offend any living person, really, that would be an awful thing to do, I hope that is not the case“. I was stilled really by the courtesy in that sentence.
Some people might consider that anyone in the public eye is fair game for mockery or offence but I disagree. These people have lives, have parents, have siblings, have friends, have children who are often shocked to be watching a programme and to hear a callous, unecessary insult about their loved ones.
Am I taking this too far? Mmm, let me give you an example and you judge for yourself: Lee Mack, during his live show over Christmas “Lee Mack Going Out Live”, firstly lambasted Kirsty Allsop for being “fat”, then a woman came back from the loo during the performance and Lee Mack suggested that she was “just in time…. we’re talking about pies” in an obvious reference to the woman being overweight. The woman laughed, but what else would you do in the instance when the majority of a thousand plus audience is laughing, others were incredulous, and a camera is full on you as you return to your seat? I would like to think that I would say “Excuse me? I paid for this ticket to see you because I admire you and you make me laugh. It didn’t say on the ticket – don’t come if you are fat, it didn’t say, don’t come if you don’t want to be humiliated in front of your husband or indeed in front of thousands of people” but no doubt Lee Mack would have a rehearsed retort tucked up his sleeve in case any member of the audience, or indeed their husbands, should object to his humilation of them.
Then, I watched Alan Carr’s New Year Show because I remember how clever Alan Carr is and before long Alan Carr was cruelly mocking famous people whose children or families were no doubt watching safely in their living rooms along with millions of New Year viewers.
I am not going to blog about the vulgarity or crassness of the sketches on Alan Carr’s New Year show – because that is a matter of taste and long may democracy in taste survive (although i did see a Tweet from Kirsty Allsop coincidentially, who was on the show, saying how embarassed she was at the whole thing but that is neither here or there).
So I turned on the recorded button to watch Michael McIntyre’s Christmas Special (now there is a smart comic, who writes his material about situations he observe rather than look to see which “fat, stupid or ugly person” he can humiliate from this week’s news) and was just in time to catch Rob Brydon walking on to the stage as Father Christmas. He did the usual thing of highlighting celebrities and sportspeople in the audience and then he spotted Lulu, looking just beautiful and he announced her like this “Ah, Lulu – I love you….” the camera panned to Lulu who is sitting with a woman who could only be her sister given the likeness, Lulu smiles modestly, and then Brydon says in a soft, adoring voice as if he is about to pay her a compliment “You have the beautiful glow of a woman…who…” Lulu smiles back at him “….of a woman who has just received her winter fuel allowance”. Lulu looks embarassed but keeps smiling, the audience make a “ooooooh” sound, Lulu’s “sister” throws her hand up to her mouth in shock………..and the show goes on. Was it necessary? I don’t think so, Brydon has great material usually – let him sharpen that instead of his tongue when addressing a woman of a certain age who works so hard to keep herself earning a living in the world of the young. Brydon, Carr and Mack of course have no fear of similar humilation happening to them because there is this gentleman’s agreement apparently with comics that you never criticise or mock another comedian – what a shame that this courtesy couldn’t be expanded to include any unsuspecting member of an audience or fellow entertainter even?
I love smart comedy and have even started an #comedyspring tag on Twitter in the hope that a call for more smart comedy might start trending. I am tired of the lazy, cruel, discourteous comedy that is targeted at individuals when comedy was always for ensuring that systems and states were kept in their place. Smart comedy is what brought comedy out of the dark ages of the late 1970s. In fact, it is smart comedy that all comedians have to thank for being able to fill the O2 arena today. If it wasn’t for Ben Elton (noooo, I didn’t think he was very funny) and Rowan Atkinson and Cambridge Footlights etc – comedy would still be in the hands of “a nun, a vicar and a rabbi….” comic (which, is still preferable I think to “did you see xyz this week on TV, didn’t she look ugly?). Some comedians seem to be under the illusion that because they don’t do racist or overtly sexist jokes – this makes them a modern comic completely missing the point that making extremely personal comments about “fat” or “ugly” people are fast becoming the “there was this black bloke…” of the 1970s. There is a brilliant sketch by John Thompson, “Bernard Righton” that all comedians could do well to use as a learning resource when wondering how to do smart comedy http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=svLyyzBC_qI
Is it a question of my lambasting comedians I don’t find funny? No, i assure you, I find Lee Mack very funny, as I do Alan Carr, but only when they work hard and write funny material while the rest of us get out glad rags on and make our way to the theatre to hear it rather than rely on the lazy “oooh look there is a fat lady in aisle 4″ to get an embarassed laugh, that I am tired of and will not pay for anymore.
Eileen Murphy
Twitter @EileenHMurphy
www.brief-therapy-uk.com
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Posted in General, Pyschology, Therapy
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Tagged Alan Carr, Carol Thatcher, comedy, comedyspring, courtesy, Kirsty Allsop, lazy comics, Lee Mack, Lulu, material, Michael McIntyre, Oliva Colman, writing
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 Noddy Holder photographed by Anthony Harvey A friend rang me “Eileen – is it true that you were in a bar once at Christmas with Noddy Holder and the Slade Christmas song started playing?”. “Nooooo” I assured her, “I was not in bar with Noddy Holder, I was in a bar that Noddy Holder was in“. She rushed me on “Yeh, yep – same thing. I was just telling Lucy and she said she didn’t believe me so I wanted to ring you to prove to her”. I tried to clarify again and said I had tweeted about it recently? “Yep, yep – Lucy loves Noddy Holder….”
As I only get star struck about John Wayne or Dolly Parton – I couldn’t see the fuss but it was interesting how she put her own truth to the story and was irritated that I needed to clarify the exact truth. Ironically, the exact truth was more interesting, I think, than her version. I was sitting in a bar at Christmas, alone waiting for friends, and saw that there was one other person at the bar, Noddy Holder, when all of a sudden the famous Slade Christmas song came over the music system. It wasn’t that weird but it was a bit weird. But anyway – the point is that it wasn’t the story my friend wanted to tell so she stuck to her version.
I guess we all do that, day in and day out - we adapt and edit things to create our own little truths to make up a bigger truth that suits, do we not? Small exaggerations to spice up a story or often small tinkering with a story to make it fit our own version of the truth.
Nowhere is this more prevelant than when mediating or counselling a couple or group. I am tempted to go so far as to say there is no such thing as truth where more than one person is involved because there will be two truths, my absolute and your absolute.
For that reason, I don’t strive for the truth when working with families otherwise the session would just get bogged down with “No I didn’t – you said a,b,c and I only said x,y,z….” When families are in trouble for any reason, the search for truth, with a huge metaphorical magnifying glass, is produced: “when you said that, you then denied you had said it, but x heard you and I believe x more than I believe you….>” I search instead for the general vision of future harmony when their focus is not so much on the rudiments of “the truth” but on accepting that “sometimes things get misunderstood, sometimes people offend another without meaning to, sometimes people say things they don’t mean at the time and, of course, a family running healthily won’t be on guard for who said what to whom about what….” Am I beginning to sound like Donald Rumsfield?
On that note, what Donald Rumsfield actually said “There are known knowns; there are things we know we know. We also know there are known unknowns; that is to say we know there are some things we do not know. But there are also unknown unknowns – the ones we don’t know we don’t know.” is actually intellectually correct and, according to linguist Geoffrey Pullum, “impeccable - syntactically, semantically, logically, and rhetorically”. If anyone else had said it, we would no doubt be producing it as a fridge magnet but because all the media commentators immediately lambasted him for this as foolishness, I instinctively believed it was indeed foolish because I had my own agenda about him (nothing sophisticated – just a dislike and distrust) I immediately bought into the truth that most suited me.
So – I wonder how long it will be before my friend is telling her friends that I spent the evening with Noddy Holder, drinking into the small hours while he sang that Christmas song to me personally and asked me if I wanted to be a roadie? Not a bad story really – shame it only went on in my head…..
Eileen Murphy
www.brief-therapy-uk.com
Twitter: @EileenHMurphy
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Posted in General, Parenting, Pyschologist, Pyschology, Therapy
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Tagged Donald Rumsfield, Families, Geoffrey Pullum, Noddy Holder, preferred futures, solution focused, troubled families, truth, twitter
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This morning I received the usual notifications of new books, resources and online help for goal setting. I read the details and they were indeed impressive: two “how to….”, several “put yourself in a go-get mindset” and of course ”what is it you really want?”
I filed them in my “Motivational Literature” box and clicked on to my Twitter account and up popped a Tweet: ”When you can’t change the direction of the wind – adjust your sails” H Jackson Brown). I smiled at how powerful I found it in comparison to the reams of motivational material. What was it that stilled me? Was it because, contrary to my personal and professional principles of ”no one can motivate you – but they can harness how you get motivated” this simple statement did indeed motivate me?
Then I realised – it was an analogy, a simple analogy and analogies will always be the most powerful communication tool when we are setting out to influence, motivate and inspire because it is in the analogy that people find a resonance.
Long before therapists and Motivational Coaches - human beings learnt through analogy and metaphor. In every culture in the world, there are stories and fables that children learn from. Even in the simple tale of “The boy who cried wolf” there is a more profound lesson for children as they set out in their development than “don’t tell lies”.
Change is not simple, it can be immediate, but its not simple – our subconcious doesn’t trust it and will try to sabotage it but nothing is more effective, in my experience, than softly setting an analogy on the table and letting the client hear it, muse over it and pick it up if they so wish.
I have written many times about I utilize the power of analogy and metaphor in my work and the only books I buy these days are about developing these skills – because language moves us, and it is when we are moved that we think, and it is when we think that we are moved to act and it is only when we are moved to act – that we change things.
Eileen Murphy
www.brief-therapy-uk.com
Twitter: @EileenHMurphy
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Posted in General, Parenting, Pyschology, Therapy
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Tagged analogy, change, language, life change, metaphor, mindsets, Motivational coaching, Pyschology, subconscious, therapist, therapy, twitter
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When I run training courses on Achieving Change, I introduce the importance of the Rehearsal for Change – I can see that delegates are comfortable about this, and comfortable too when I talk about the importance of identifying what needs to change; what difference it will make emotionally, physically and in relationships and the benefits of visualisation of life after change - all this fits ok it seems.
However, when I then introduce Rehearsal for Setbacks – a look of puzzlement arrives: “isn’t that a bit negative?” they ask – “doesn’t it negate all the preparation for change if we then talk about setbacks and blips and things going wrong?”
That is often the very problem in achieving change – when a blip happens, or a setback occurs, people have not prepared for it and often lose motivation in that moment with “I tried but……”.
For many of the clients and patients we, and our delegates work with, have experienced these setbacks and no doubt will do again and I believe that its only by preparing for them and rehearsing exactly “how they are going to deal with them” that the work towards change be truly effective.
This is not a concept that I created – it belongs to Steve deShazer, who developed Solution Focused Brief Therapy and it is one of the reasons, I think, that it is such a healthy model. I have always believed that any intervention must be real and practical if it is to help clients in the reality of their lives: a model that conveys an “everyone can do!” is not a model that fits with me or with the clients I have worked with, some of whom see a setback as “proof that they cannot recover/change/overcome….”.
It is for this reason, that deShazer wisely introduced this rehearsal for setbacks within the model: “a rehearsal for setbacks rob them of their destructive force” he said. A conversation might run like this:
Practitioner: When you have achieved this different behaviour you have identified - could you tell me in small detail how this will benefit you?
Client: DETAILS
Practitioner: Sometimes change is one step forward and two stepsback – what will tell you that there is a possible blip on the horizon? A possible setback?
Client: DETAILS
Practitioner: and how will you deal with that, in that moment?
and so on, in small detail, until the client has a good rehearsal for potential setbacks and relapses.
At the end of training, delegates have an “eureka!” moment and often realise that this one ingredient to helping people achieve change is vital and far from being a negative element -it reflects the realities of any work towards change.
We will cover this in detail in our one day public course Helping Individual & Families Achieve Change in London on 12th January 2012
Eileen Murphy
www.brief-therapy-uk.com
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Posted in General, Parenting, Pyschologist, Pyschology, Therapy
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Tagged Achieving Change, case study, IAPT, mental health, public course, recovery, self-development, self-help, Solution Focused Brief Therapy, talking therapies, Training
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I was dismayed this week to read a pyschologist assessment that was full of assumptions, labels and in some parts, clearly absent of simple child behaviour knowledge. The Foster Carers of the four year old child, showed me the report as if they were showing me the gospel: “this is what the experts say”.
After reading “she tends to do x, y and z” – I asked how long the assessment session had been and heard that it was one hour. “Ok”, I asked – “does he do x, y and z always?”. The FC said “the pyschologist said….”. “No, – you are the experts of his everyday behaviour because you see it everyday – does he do x, y and z always?”. The Foster Carer was unable to answer. In another example, the report stated that the child did not ask for a pen that was taken from him but merely looked distraught and tried to reach up for it without asking. ”Oh, okay, and what did they deduce from that?: “He has poor interaction ability”. Oh does he? And does he do that at home? “Erm, I can’t say I ever noticed but he did it in the room with the psychologist”. Had he met the pyschologist before? apparently not. “Were you allowed to be with him?” only at the back of the room apparently. So – he was in a strange situation with strangers – hmm, I don’t think I would have asked for it back myself in that situation.
The Foster Carer asked me what did it mean, the fact that the child did not ask for the pen back – what did it indicate? “I have no idea” I told her “apart from maybe measuring his peripheral vision”.
On to the social interaction paragraph: “he does not make eye contact during social interaction”. I called the child over for a conversation about his lovely drawing – he looked me clear in the eye and told me about it. I had only met the child once or twice but the important difference was that I was in his environment, his home, so naturally he behaved differently than he did in a sterile assessment room with strangers.
Am I dismissing the expertise of the child pyschologists who compiled the report? No but if you ask me whether I was criticising the rush to label without expert knowledge of the child and in the correct environment – then yes, I suppose I am. Who has the expert knowledge? the Foster Carers of course or indeed anyone who spends 24 hours a day, seven days a week with a child because only they know what the individual, little actions of the child means. If the question is ”can the child cope with strangers? the Foster Carer will be the best place to start: “he is uncomfortable because he is pulling on his jumper” for instance. Take the Foster Carer out of the equation and you get three pyschologists interpreting the pulling on the jumper as indicative of something completely different perhaps.
I spent two hours once with a pyschologist, over lunch, and noticed how she punctuated her conversation with a sniff. At the end of the lunch, I asked whether she was a Cocaine user. She was horrified. With a serious look on my face, I told her that she was lucky that this wasn’t an assessment because someone might have deduced, wrongly, that she was a Cocaine user “I have just got over a cold!” she laughed. Ah “but you might not get the opportunity to explain that – in an assessment”, I joked.
I confirmed that I believed her but my point is: unless a professional carries out an assessment in collaboration with either the expert (the individual) or the expert’s carers (if a child) then its not a truly full assessment and allows for misrepresentation of the truth, of reality and therefore can result in a meaningless assessment which is not good for anyone. Sometimes – people lie, sometimes, pyschologists misconstrue, sometimes children will grow out of mannerisms and shyness (or social phobia as some professionals call it!) or suddenly wake up one morning feeling okay with the world and stop doing x, y or z or indeed carry on doing x,y or z while building a fruitful life. Perhaps pyschological assessments should acknowledge that certain behaviours do not always indicate a pyschological condition – this could save a lot of children being labelled with all sorts of inadequacies. Remembering that the derivation of “psyche” comes from Latin and the Greek psukhe – breath, life, soul: pyschologist does not mean “all-knowing” or ”granted with an insight into everything”. Pyschologists know this – perhaps clients and patients and Foster Carers should also remember this.
For instance – take a moment to offer an assessment (professional or amateur) and a possible intervention for the following 11 year old child:
“First spoke at the age of 5 and is distressed, at the age of 11, without the use of two rubber teats: one for her mouth and one for comforting. She does not respond in the schoolroom and has not made any effort to make friends within her peer group. Since being held hostage at knife point by a suicidal neighbour at aged 10 – the child does not cope well in confined environments. She has been affected since the age of 9 with a spinal disorder that causes occasional paralysis. Her continued truancy has attracted the attention of Education Welfare and she now has a EWO in place to ensure that she attends school more regularly”.
Well? What intervention would you recommend. Please take a moment to consider.
What intervention was actually put in place?
Nothing. I just grew out of that child and into an adult, taking all the experiences and resilience with me and glad that there wasn’t the services around then that there are now – Lord knows where I would be with the “right label” (but I still don’t like confined spaces!) Just saying…
Eileen Murphy
www.brief-therapy-uk.com
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Posted in General, Parenting, Pyschology, Therapy
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Tagged Assessments, children, Foster Carers, Labels, Mums, Parents, Patient Expert, Pyschology
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Having a conversation with colleagues this morning about parenting and cultural differences in parenting - I found myself referring back to my experiences in Ireland, both recently and in my own upbringing there.
Being one of dozens of children brought up in a small cottage in rural Southern Ireland, before joining the economic migrant trail to the UK, a child was invisible until a job needed to be done or an errand run. Expressions of love and tenderness where not encouraged: I remember my mother’s response when I reported that the some parents kissed their children at the school gate:”Never mind that, that’s the English people - they do that”. (she is now a progressive grandmother and great-grandmother to dozens of children who are kissed regularly!)
We were perfectly behaved (probably too oppressed to misbehave!) and played a part in running the household as soon as we could walk it seems: I remember dragging a bag of coal down three flights of stairs aged 7 without complaint.
While in Ireland recently, I purposefully observed children and their parents wherever I went: in shops, in homes, in restaurants and although it is only anecdotal evidence I am offering here (not to mention stereotyping in its crudest form) – the children were as well behaved as we were 40 years ago but love and affection was included as something that “Irish people do” this time around.
The interaction between the children and parents I observed was a joy: children appeared to be brought up to be resourceful, resilient and to play an important, almost equal role, in running the home. I saw 5 year olds asking visitors whether they would like a cup of tea; 7 year olds joining their fathers in the fields, 10 year olds holding the fort in small businesses. My favourite experience of this is was when a 11 year old boy, running the Pitch & Putt course asked me whether I was left-handed and when I replied yes, said “Ah, well I will have to seek out a different club for you” – there wasn’t an adult in sight.
One incident that stopped me in my tracks was in a small hairdressing salon in Dingle, Co. Kerry where a mother came in with three small children, all under the age of 8: she sat them down and asked them softly to be quite and to wait for her while she had her hair washed. This they did – the only interruption was when the youngest, about four, asked if he could look at the magazine. I listened to the children talking amongst themselves and you will have to forgive me if it sounds patronising but their interaction was intelligent, calm and reasonable with the eldest clearly taking the Loco Parentis role: “No, Brendan – you can have a sweet when we get home”.
In all the restaurants and pubs, children were evident but not once did I witness a tantrum. At the end of the journey, before I was due to head back to the UK, I shared my thoughts with an Irish mother in a shop, accompanied by her four children and her response was “Well that’s great – I do notice the difference meself when I go across to England: the children have everything there don’t they. I’m not saying mine don’t but the English children seem not to have to do anything to help earn the money to have everything – maybe that’s the difference, I don’t know…..”
I don’t know either but I made a big speech to my own grandchildren about milk-rounds and saturday jobs when I returned home. The faces of the 7 and 2 year old told me I was jumping the gun somewhat but I’ll be returning to the subject pretty soon!
Eileen Murphy
www.brief-therapy-uk.com
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I heard a quote this morning from a 19th century French statesman: “When we ask for advice, we are usually looking for an accomplice”.
It resonated with me. Whether consciously or sub-consciously, I think we are happiest when we are met with agreement. We don’t have to think too hard then, we don’t have to grapple with the minutae of the moral dilemma we might find ourselves in.
How many times have we relayed an injustice to a friend and been infuriated when they behave reasonably and put the other person’s point of view instead of just colluding and sympathising? How often have we made a decision then asked for a friend’s opinion and, when it differs from our own, withdrawn the request for advice?
It often doesn’t differ in therapy – the client “wants to talk things through” and “wants advice on moving forward” but if it goes against their view of the world, the subconscious struggle often distracts them. Your subconscious, of course, wants you to have everything you want, wants you to be happy and will protect you from any view from an outsider that contradicts that. However, you and your subconscious, alone together without interference? That’s a different matter - you are on a slightly more even keel.
It is for that reason that I developed The Silent Session – this allows the practitioner to ask the questions but requires no verbal answers from the client: the client answers out loud in their head and indicates in a precise way, previously agreed, when they are ready to move on to the next question. It is the ultimate non-intrusive therapeutic approach.
I recently trained a group of Drug & Alcohol Recovery workers - some of the staff were in Recovery themselves. When I paired the group to take part in an experiential Silent Session (I never use Role Play) those who were in Recovery got it immediately: the staff who were not in Recovery took a while longer and the block for them was often “but I feel redundant – what is my role in helping?” It took one of the “recovering” staff to point out that “therapy is not for your benefit - its for the client”"
My favourite quote from staff who we have trained in our Silent Session framework is “there was no where else to go but with the truth, it just sat there in my head but if I had to speak instead - I could have distracted myself from hearing it by my creating a response for you which would have been totally different”.
The Silent Session is not right for everyone – but at the very least it is a great engaging tool: what better way to provide a session to a client who does not consider that they have any part in the problem and therefore the solution or a resistant, statutory referred client who is determined “not to speak to you”.
*We are running a one day public course on 12th January 2012 at Friends Meeting House, Euston, London – contact us at info@brief-therapy-uk.com or Tel: 0208 947 8093 for further information.
Our DVD “Achieving Change“ is available now.
Eileen Murphy
www.brief-therapy-uk.com
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Posted in General, Pyschology, Therapy
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Tagged brief interventions, challenging families, client is the expert on their lives, non-instrusive therapy, resistant client, Silent Session, Solution Focused Brief Therapy, therapy, troubled families
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I was really taken with this letter in The Guardian (5/10/11) Notes & Queries page because it made me still with wonder. I have no idea whether I am allowed to just copy and paste a reader’s letter but in good faith I have to! Bravo The Guardian – not only has it the smartest writers but the smartest readers too.
Where have all the atoms that constitute “me” been since the creation of the Earth? Have they been part of other people through the ages?
All of the atoms that make up your body were once parts of stars – the phrase “we are stardust” is not just poetic fancy. After that, they were part of the sterile planet (later to be called Earth) for some billions of years, and when life appeared, bits that were later to become “us”, began to be parts of the early forms of life on Earth – bacterial, plant, animal, fungal etc – all of it sharing atoms, especially carbon, oxygen and hydrogen atoms.
By a statistical certainty, many of the 7 billion trillion atoms that make up your body will have formed parts of many other organisms in the far past. Some of them have formed parts of living beings (plant and animal) in the recent past – you ate them. But some of those beings will be humans, still alive and sharing the planet with you as you read this; if by no other route than by the fact that the air others breathe out is the air you breathe in. The blood in your veins is red because of oxygen that was someone else’s last month, and will be someone else’s again next.
You may feel that your “self” is a solid, unchanging entity, but the matter which houses that self is a boiling mass, coming and going all the time.
Francis Blake, London N17
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I have recently returned from a “Round Ireland with an Appetite” trip and was so proud that everywhere I went (yes everywhere) the customer service was excellent. From the smallest tea-shop to celebrated restaurants and all stops in between – the “one-step-extra” service just lightened my day everytime.
I have started many blogs with “its not because I’m Irish” but really - its not because I’m Irish but the new service station on the M7 could show every service station in the UK how it should be done.
It was the novelty of seeing a UK-style service station, which is an unusual feature in Ireland, that caused me to stop try it out. At Junction 14 Mayfield, Monesterevin, Co.Kildare, this well-run service station with fresh food, cooked to perfection was a joy. And the staff, oh the staff! Smiling, connected, proactive in their customer service.
The Manager, Gavin Moran, was centrally placed (not tucked away in an office somewhere) and very obviously leading his team. I sat watching and wondering why UK service stations couldn’t be more like this and as I watched Mr Moran’s quiet, respectful interaction with, and leadership of, his staff team – the obvious answer arrived: send Mr Moran to the UK please, we need him!
It became clear to me during my travels that the best product Ireland has is its people, not the weather, not the sights – beautiful as they are – but the people or, more precisely, the attitude of its people.
Of course there are miserable hotel owners (I met one in Kinsale!) and of course there are cranky shop owners (even though I have never personally met one) and Ireland is not, of course, full of wonderful, cheery, laid-back people but their customer service ethos is second to none.
Perhaps that’s how they could get themselves out of the deep financial hole they are in: marketing their customer service skills training to the rest of Europe?
Eileen Murphy
www.brief-therapy-uk.com
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