I heard the distress in her voice, so I explained and stayed with her “have you tried other services – what is it you need?”  The caller replied: “I haven’t seen a soul for weeks, I have PSTD and I just want to talk with someone – I tried to talking to the cat but am a bit worried that if I don’t find a human being soon that I will end up believing the cat is answering me”. 
I asked what services she had tried and she recounted disconnected telephone numbers, and others that just rang out ”I think they’re all gone now….” she said.  That phrase alone “I think they’re all gone now….” brought a sadness sweeping over me – she was right, in the search for the Big Society – we seem to have ditched the Big Services we already had.

I asked the caller to stay with me on the main phone,while I researched for her and and as I scrolled down the list of services on the computer with one hand and telephoned with the other, all to no avail, I came across The Salvation Army “Ah, I said – what about the Salvation Army, shall I try these for you?”.  She was excited, “Oh, I’ve never met one of them but they seem nice people don’t they?”.  I called the listed number and it answered after two rings, I explained my caller’s dilemma and was given the direct mobile number of the area Salvation Army cleric who I called and set out the situation and this was his response, verbatim: “I am so sorry to hear that your caller is in distress. My wife and I are new to the area and we do plan to set up a Befriending Service but in the meantime I am visiting any vulnerable person who might need us. Please do give your caller my number and I will arrange a time to see her”.  I then babble on about how wonderful to hear that and he says “we are all God’s instruments and I am happy to be of help in any way”.  I was moved by his sincerity and kindess. 

I said to my caller “Did you hear that conversation?” she confirmed that she had heard my side of it “can I have a Befriender did they say?”.   Oh, yes, she can have a Befriender, the best Befriender of all I’m thinking.

My only encounter with the Salvation Army and I know which charity will be getting my donations from now on.  Hallelujah!

Eileen Murphy
Twitter: @EileenHMurphy
Email: info@brief-therapy-uk.com
Website: www.brief-therapy-uk.com

We struggle to achieve change as individuals because, of course, the subconscious usually sabotages any change the conscious mind wishes to make – you will know that concept well: diet? “ah but I love those chocolate treats”. Cut back on alcohol? “but surely red wine is good for me?” Exercise? “do I really want to put myself through that?” 

The trouble with “positive thinking” is that we have to struggle so much with the  “negative, on guard thinking” that we are hard-wired with for survival purposes. It’s a long old trek for most of us.  Actions, on the other hand, have immediate consequences. Even the cliche ”smile and see who smiles back” is proof of that.

I do understand the raised eyebrows when I say that ”actions, rather than thoughts, are what creates change”  but I just don’t agree, that’s all.  I do believe that if we “do” rather than “try to change our thinking” we see the results and that might instigate further actions (even further thought about doing?)  I know when I am talking to clients about ”what will they be doing when they are back on track in their lives?”, for instance, they are able to describe in very small detail, the actions – often as small as “get dressed before 4pm, because I normally slob around depressed”.  If I then take the detail further and ask “what will you be wearing?” they can visualise themselves “doing”. If I ask more about what they will be doing once they are dressed: “will they stay in and do something or will they be going out?” – I am encouraging further visualisation. If I then give a task, for instance, in keeping with that visualisation: “because you said that you would be wearing x,y,z before 4pm – I would like to give that as a task and ask that you observe what is different for you, what you do differently at that point?”  My hope is that because its a task that they have described themselves “doing” that it fits with them.  To cut a long scenario short – if they do indeed get dressed before 4pm, in the clothes they described, then because of “actions” they took – some small pattern will be broken and, who knows? maybe once dressed, it might start to become a new habit to replace the “slob around depressed”.

Without making this blog 5,000 words, I am going to have to trust the reader that my belief is not as simple in practice as described above: “I ask, they tell, I give a task, they do” but the crux of it is that I do not think I am helping the client by trying to battle with their subconcious - the subconscious, by the way, that has had a long time to reinforce “you will never change” or “change will take a long time” or “what’s the point – you know you don’t like being around other people” or, sometimes, as desperate as “you know this problem, you like this problem because its comfortable – accept it”. 

I will try to avoid slipping in any motivational phrases here but “if you put one foot in front of the other – you are walking are you not?”  (and of course – a couple more steps and you’re dancing….)

When giving talks about “Positive Action” – I sometimes ask delegates to name an action that they know would change, in any small way, the relationship pattern they are currently in.  The replies vary from “look at him when he is talking – he always says that I don’t” to “play the radio at top volume just to confuse my children who think I don’t like music” – no one ever says: “i would think more positively” because that is not the question I asked – I asked about “actions”. 

When all of the delegates have finished – I then ask them to raise their hand if they would like an action task to take away with them.  The majority of hands go up, others giggle and put their hand up and take it swiftly down again as if once I gave the task – they were contracted to complete the task (as if I would ever know).  I go back to each delegate and ask for their action task, once they tell me what it is, I give it back to them as “Then that is the action task I am giving you to complete – do you accept?”.  This is a very successful end to the presentation and delegates have fedback that they find it very exciting and they like the “definite action” aspect about the task (despite the fact that they may have been “thinking” about addressing the particular issue for a long time.…..)

Again, I understand all the arguements about “positive thinking leads to positive actions” – of course it does. My take is that for those living distressed and stressed lives, for those who have little experience of stilling their minds in order to change their minds, for those who are entrenched in the belief that “positive thinking is for those with no problems and time on their hands” or worse still “for those who have had easy lives and indulge in any airy-fairy new fad” - a small action can allow a demonstration of how patterns can be changed quite drastically.

As John Ruskin says: “What you know, what you think, what you believe – is of little consequence. The only consequence is in what you do“.  I have seen, countless times, how people who are disaffected and immersed in addictions or chaotic life patterns have instantly changed their lives because sometime dramatic happened like meeting a non-user, going back to their family home, getting a job, or my favourite is a tale told to me by an habitual drug user: “I was mistaken for a Key Worker by another user at the clinic and loved the respect shown to me and that was it really – I walked out and never looked back”. Go figure…..

I know that I bang on about the fact that we only get 4,000 weeks in a lifetime – but we do only get 4,000 weeks in a lifetime and some of the most fascinating accounts that I have ever come across of people making change in their lives, have been because an action caused a reaction – not because they undertook a Positive Thinking Seminar.

Eileen Murphy
Twitter: @Eileen H Murphy
Email: info@brief-therapy-uk.com
Website: www.brief-therapy-uk.com

I know my mother enjoys us all sharing good childhood memories with her  i.e. “I always appreciated how hard you worked and how you always kept the house nice despite the huge number of us clambering about “.  She does not indulge memories such as “I didn’t break that window and you wouldn’t believe me…..” the precise petty injustices that we adults often remember for longer than we should.

Childhood memories are powerful, magnified – good and bad. Things were probably never as good as we thought they were and often, for some lucky ones, never quite as bad as we thought they were.  This weekend’s family visits reminded me that we never truly know exactly how we influence children while they are growing up around us – our own children, our nieces and nephews and indeed any child we come across.

Children can remember “dismissive looks” and “sideway glances”as much, if not more, than they remember words.  I can still say I don’t like Mrs W from primary school because she rolled her eyes once when I was telling another teacher about a fall. As a child, I interpreted that look as “I don’t believe her”. 

Equally, my fondest memory of primary school is the Wednesday visit from Miss McCloughlan, the Reading Teacher – I remember two things most vividly – her mauve hat and her tender look when she would see me.  Tender looks were not common in schools in the ’60s and it saw me through from week to week.

The conversations this weekend were about this very subject: the positive influences we can have on children without even knowing it.   While visiting an Aunt and Uncle, they reminisced about me as a child and I told them how I loved visiting their house in the East End of London at age 5 and how I learnt my love of radio in their house and how the sight of Uncle Jimmy pottering about, not especially attentive but not tired of us either, brought a feeling of continuity and comfort.   I haven’t seen that house for 50 years but I was able to describe each step and the view from the window in detail.  I told them of my favourite memory of  their “modern” stainless steel tea set and how “posh” it all seemed sitting down for tea with them as a child. That tea set was a real visual memory for me.  My aunt left the room and remerged holding a tea set on a tray ”is that the tea set?” I asked with reverence as if it was from the Ming Dynasty – “the very one” my Aunt assured me.

They delighted in my delight as I described in detail, being called into the dining room (I come from a huge family with little room for a cup on your lap so staying in their house with a “dining room” was the epitome of “posh” to me then) and this tea set, with its separate jug for hot water, the sugar bowl brimming with as much sugar as you cared to spoon, the whiteness of the milk in the jug – to a 5 year old was a joy.

Uncle Jimmy was bemused that his green cardigan with the duffle-coat buttons was part of my memory parcel. He was bewildered that I was able to recall little things he would do that added to the well-being building blocks that play a part in creating happy children. My Aunt tutted when I recalled how strict she was - it took me 50 years to understand that her way was strict but her actions were well-meaning - pitching in to help my parents when we were young.

This tea set, and Uncle Jimmy’s green cardigan have reminded me to be especially aware when I am around grandchildren, nieces and nephews to catch them doing something right, make sure my face demonstrates that I am not exhausted by them and it has motivated me to bring some special ornament out when they come to tea.  I would very much like to end up in someone’s blog 20 years down the road with a photo of my special ornament and knowing that I played a part in the building of well-being blocks for as many children as I possibly can.

Eileen Murphy
Twitter: @EileenHMurphy
Email: info@brief-therapy-uk.com
www.brief-therapy-uk.com

CBT is often seen a so closely related to  SFBT that at least three times a year we are commissioned by teams who have funding for CBT but prefer SFBT (which is great until it comes to Evaluation time and then all the good outcomes for clients is put firmly under the “CBT Evaluation” file which is frustrating)  So given that I have had a note on my “to do” list since 1998: “write an article on the differences between CBT and SFBT there it has sat, yellowing no doubt somewhere in a cupboard, somewhere in storage.  Thirteen years on, i will attempt to explain: in a nutshell - both models focus on behaviour change.

But if we look closer at the structure and ethos of both models -

According to the Royal College of Psychiatrists:

The structure of a Cognitive Behavioural Therapy session:  

With the therapist, you break each problem down into its separate parts. This will help you to identify your individual patterns of thoughts, emotions, bodily feelings and actions.

Together you will look at your thoughts, feelings and behaviours to work out:

- if they are unrealistic or unhelpful

- how they affect each other, and you.

- the therapist will then help you to work out how to change unhelpful thoughts and behaviours.

- It’s easy to talk about doing something, much harder to actually do it. So, after you have identified what you can change, your therapist will recommend ‘homework’ – you practise these changes in your everyday life. Depending on the situation, you might start to:

- question a self-critical or upsetting thought and replace it with a more helpful (and more realistic) one that you have developed in CBT

- recognise that you are about to do something that will make you feel worse and, instead, do something more helpful.

- At each meeting you discuss how you’ve got on since the last session. Your therapist can help with suggestions if any of the tasks seem too hard or don’t seem to be helping.

- They will not ask you to do things you don’t want to do – you decide the pace of the treatment and what you will and won’t try. The strength of CBT is that you can continue to practise and develop your skills even after the sessions have finished.

- This makes it less likely that your symptoms or problems will return.

The structure a of Solution Focused Brief Therapy session :

As the expert on your life, you will be asked by the therapist “how it is for you now, today – what your presenting issue is?” (although if you do not want to state this,  we are perfectly comfortable with that too The Silent Session)

The therapist will ask you what is working for you now, what things in your life you do not want to change.

The therapist will ask you about times when you managed the problem differently or the problem did not exist and the therapist will explore those times with you.

The therapist will ask you about your preferred future, your goals, what it is you want.

The therapist will ask you about times when you managed the problem differently or the problem did not exist – the therapist will be very interested in those times..

The therapist, using various exercises, i.e. The Scaling Question, The Miracle Question etc, will invite you to visualise what will be different when you have achieved your desired change, goals, preferred future and will be curious about what is different for you. 

You will be invited to set a task for yourself that reflects your mindset, lifestyle, culture, family culture, the unique minutia of how you live your life. 

The therapist will also be curious about how you will deal with any setbacks that may occur on the journey towards change – “rehearsing for setbacks robs them of their destructive force”.

What I admire most about In SFBT is the principle that “the client is the expert of the client’s life” and the practitioner takes a stance of “not knowing” and of “curiosity” through solution-focused questioning and responding.  This is essential, in my opinion, for sustainability of behaviour change.  

I welcome discussion on this with Cognitive Behavioural Therapists and Solution Focused Practitioners – it will help those who wish to access a brief intervention make an informed decision. 

Eileen Murphy
Twitter: @EileenHMurphy
www.brief-therapy-uk.com

Dr Danny Penman

At the start of 2012, I decided to stop playing around on the fringes of Mindfulness, stop quoting from it and stop referring to it loosely in my work and to actually study it properly.

The first stop on this journey was of course to buy Mindfulness – finding peace in a frantic world by Dr Danny Penman and Professor Mark Williams.  The book strips back the rhetoric that normally intimidates those wishing to develop the practice – there is no “higher plane” stuff here, no language that excludes – just a real and practical introduction to the subject and a proper tutorial guide.

My next step was to interview Dr Penman which was an experience much like, one imagines, it would be to interview Professor Brian Cox – passion for his subject without intimidating you with his knowledge.

Although he had practised meditation since his youth, until five years ago Dr Penman reserved judgment, at least, about the real power of meditation but when an accident left him critically injured when paragliding with his friend Mark Williams (the Professor with whom he later co-authored this book) he learned the power of meditation first hand.

Critically injured and in constant pain, Dr Penman recalled in an article for the Daily Mail how he could see the bone in the lower half of his right leg had been driven up through his knee and into his thigh.

“As I lay there in pain, I remembered a form of meditation that I had been taught in the sixth form of my comprehensive school in Cheshire, as a way of tackling exam nerves.

Over the years I’d used it to deal with the usual stresses and strains of daily life, but never in times of physical pain. But I knew that meditation (and self-hypnosis) had been used for pain relief and, as I lay on the hillside, in sheer desperation I tried them both. I forced myself to breathe slowly and deeply, to focus on the sensations the breath made as it flowed in and out. I pictured myself in a beautiful garden and imagined myself inhaling its peaceful and tranquil air

Gradually, breath by breath, the pain became more distant. It felt less ‘personal’, almost as if I was watching it on TV”

In hospital it became apparent how seriously injured he was — and just how effective a painkiller the meditation had been.

“My leg was so badly broken that I would need three major operations. I also needed a newly invented device, a Taylor Spatial Frame, to be surgically attached to my leg for up to 18 months to repair the damage. Consisting of four equally spaced rings that encircled my lower leg, the frame looked like a cross between a Meccano set and a medieval torture device. Fourteen metal spokes and two bolts connected these rings to the shards of bone inside my leg, and allowed the surgeon to move the fragments around inside.

Life with the frame was intolerable. Sleep was virtually impossible, and the pain was controlled with powerful drugs that left him washed-out and jaded.

“I felt thoroughly wretched — anxious, irritable and highly stressed. So I decided to find an alternative way of coping with the pain and of maximising my chances of recovery”.

Dr Penman then discovered the work of Mark Williams, Professor of Clinical Psychology at Oxford University who with colleagues at the universities of Cambridge, Toronto, and Massachusetts had spent 20 years studying the phenomenal power of meditation for treating anxiety and even full-blown depression.

“They had turned it into a therapy known as Mindfulness-Based Cognitive Therapy (MBCT) that was gaining the support of doctors and scientists. It had even been endorsed by the U.S. National Institutes of Health and in Britain by the National Institute for Health and Clinical Excellence (Nice). It’s also been shown to be as effective as drugs for treating depression. In fact, it’s now one of the preferred treatments recommended by Nice”.

Now aged 44, Dr Penman is convinced he MBCT is why he recovered in double-quick time “the leg frame was removed after just 17 weeks rather than the normal six to 18 months”.

Firstly I congratulated Danny on a great book and thanked him too for the added bonus of the guided mediation CD included in the cover.

EM: I talk about your work and your book when training this year and just recently I was asked about one sentence in particular that you use “your thoughts are not you”. Where I would historically say to delegates “your thoughts are not the whole of you” it’s just a word but you see a conflict in the different phrasing? 

DP: Nooo, I was just trying to convey that we all spend so much time thinking and we associate it with a “voice” when really its just one aspect. Thoughts are driven by underlying emotions, physical sensations, our thoughts lead to another thought– thoughts leak. For example, you could be just walking and feel a stiffness in the neck and often our first thoughts are “Oh I’m stressed, what am I stressed about? It must be the exam, or the job interview…….I’m stressed because I am nervous about it…….what if I fail….everyone will think I’m stupid….maybe I am”. You can drive yourself into negativity or you can choose to act: the voice is not a commandment – we have choices. That’s really what I meant about “thoughts are not you.

EM: The most important ethos that comes across from your book is that we should be “compassionate” with ourselves in the first instance rather than rush to criticise ourselves because we haven’t fixed a problem – have I got that impression correctly and would you elaborate on that?

DP: Being “compassionate” with ourselves seems a little indulgent at first glance but as soon as you see how the mind and body work – you understand it more.  If you are “approach orientated” and become more open to new experiences, you are likely to spot more opportunities, adopt a positive disposition. I do believe that we must strive for compassion because it’s good for us as individuals and good for society as a whole.

EM: Although the practice of Mindfulness is applicable to everyone – it does have to be learnt doesn’t it?

DP: Yes, all of the techniques are straightforward but someone needs to tell you how to do it. Like everything else in life – it takes practice. The book is enough to learn from but the Oxford Centre of Mindfulness also run courses.

Having read the book and listening to the Guided Meditations CD that accompanies it, I agree: the book does cover all the likely problems one might encounter and the techniques are incredibly straightforward – there is no airy fair stuff here: just the “ethos”, the “why” and loads of the “how”.

EM: I found myself nodding and agreeing with the examples you give in your book especially the Habit Breaker actions. I have always been fascinated by how powerful the results can be from just making small different actions and how this can change the dynamic and change how one see things. In my work we allow the client to “choose” the “do something different” task [the equivalent of his Habit Breaker Action] according to how they live their life – is that something that you do? 

DP: We give specific examples because they are relevant to each meditation – so the Habit Breakers in the book are best ones to follow. We are all so driven –we feel we have to do so much and that we need to rush things but we really shouldn’t – breaking two or three small habits a week is better than rushing to break one big habit.

EM: How confident are you that Mindfulness will be embraced on a wider level within the NHS especially given that it’s now one of the preferred treatments recommended by Nice?

DP: What seems to be happening is that independent practitioners, like GPs for instance are increasingly recommending Mindfulness – it has so many applications, of course.  If everyone spent 10-20 minutes practising Mindfulness daily – the diseases we accept as the norm would be radically diminished.

Our belief and hope is that Mindfulness will become like brushing our teeth for instance. One hundred years ago – no one brushed their teeth, they just accepted that their teeth would fall out and indeed they did.  Then Dentists came along and now people take it for granted that they will have good teeth all their lives if they take care of them. I think that in 50 years time, people might be as shocked when they look back and consider that in 2012 people didn’t take the time to meditate.

EM: On that note, what about Schools? Are there any plans to teach children how to practice Mindfulness, on a wider scale?

DP: There has been a Pilot project co-ordinated by University of Canterbury  – they got very good results. My hunch is that individual schools will start to adopt it and it will become more widespread.

I started meditation myself at 16 when I was introduced to it by my English teacher Pat Field at Neston Comprehensive School, Wirral, who believed it would relieve exam stress. I do get a sense that people are very receptive to it and are indeed looking for a way forward and the increasing sales of our book would certainly indicate this.

EM: A businessman I was talking to recently about Mindfulness said “I’m not the sandal-wearing type” – do you find that is a common response from the business world?

DP: Occasionally, but they are also in the business of making money and not wasting it. The biggest waste of money in business is time lost because of people’s depression, anxiety and stress – I was approached to talk to Heads of various banks recently. At Board level, executives are looking to invest in human resources and how Mindfulness can help. Of course there might be cynicism in some business quarters but mainly I am finding acceptance of its use.  

EM:  I was surprised to see “Mindful acceptance is not resignation – it is not acceptance of the unacceptable” on Page 45. I would have personally put that on the jacket or in the opening sentence in order to encourage people, like that businessman for instance, who generally consider meditation or indeed anything that centres on inner as indeed “accepting the unacceptable”

DP:  That’s interesting – yes, you’re possibly right – it is crucial to highlight this. “Acceptance” as a word has a bad reputation and immediately some people think of it as “resignation”. People have different concepts of “acceptance” – it carries lots of negative connotations but of course when they read the book – it becomes very obvious, very quickly what the true meaning of “Acceptance” is.

EM: My introduction of Mindfulness, and your book, this year with delegates attending our courses will be your “chocolate mediation” – any tips on implementing this en masse?

DP: The great way to do meditation with a group is not to lead but to “do it along with the group”, using present tense, i.e. “now tasting the vanilla, now smelling the aroma” and not to ask questions as that will trigger thoughts.

I was very grateful to Dr Penman for his time and for this book – if it is possible for a book to be “approachable” then this is.  I notice that the authors haven’t gone for endorsements from the neuroscientists or clinicians (although they could easily have of course) but instead people like Goldie Hawn and Ruby Wax to call us to the bookshelf and the authors announce themselves on the cover as Danny Penman and Mark Williams rather than “Dr” and “Professor” to further assure us that this isn’t a book just for practitioners and counsellors but for anyone who wants to be more mindful and indeed find peace in a frantic world.

Dr Penman’s website is: www.franticworld.com His book Mindfulness – a practical guide to finding peace in a frantic world is available on Amazon

Since this interview, I asked Dr Penman to speak at our public training event in London on 25th September 2012 and he kindly accepted. Dr Penman will be inviting delegates to undertake the “chocolate meditation” during his workshop.  If you would like to attend, please Book here

Eileen Murphy
info@brief-therapy-uk.com
www.brief-therapy-uk.com
Twitter: EileenHMurphy

John Thompson as Bernard Righton

I know its only been a while since I talked about the discourtesy shown to Michael McIntyre at the Comedy Awards last year and here I am again pondering why it has become so acceptable for comedians, in particular, to get a laugh at any expense without a thought for how the joke lands.

It was listening to Olivia Colman, the actress who plays Carol Thatcher in the new Meryl Streep film The Iron Lady that stopped me in my tracks this time. When asked about her portrayal of Carol Thatcher, she seemed at pains to convey that she had “not wished to offend any living person, really, that would be an awful thing to do, I hope that is not the case“.  I was stilled really by the courtesy in that sentence. 

Some people might consider that anyone in the public eye is fair game for mockery or offence but I disagree. These people have lives, have parents, have siblings, have friends, have children who are often shocked, when watching a TV programme, to hear a callous, unecessary insult about their loved ones. 

Am I taking this too far? Let me give you an example and you judge for yourself: Lee Mack, during his live show over Christmas “Lee Mack Going Out Live”, firstly lambasted Kirsty Allsop for being “fat”, then a woman came back from the loo during the performance and Lee Mack suggested that she was “just in time…. we’re talking about pies” in an obvious reference to the woman’s weight.  The woman laughed, but what else would you do in that instance with a thousand plus people in the theatre plus a camera full on you as you return to your seat? I would like to think that I would say “Excuse me? I paid for this ticket to see you. It didn’t say on the ticket – don’t come if you are fat, it didn’t say, don’t come if you don’t want to be humiliated in front of your husband or indeed in front of thousands of people” but no doubt Lee Mack would have a rehearsed retort tucked up his sleeve in case any member of the audience, or indeed their husbands, should object to his humilation of them.

Then, I watched Alan Carr’s New Year Show because I remember how clever Alan Carr is  and before long he too was cruelly mocking famous people whose children or families were no doubt watching in their living rooms along with millions of New Year viewers.

So I turned on the recorded button to watch Michael McIntyre’s Christmas Special (now there is a smart comic, who writes his material about situations he observe rather than look to see which “fat, stupid or ugly person” he can humiliate from this week’s news) and was just in time to catch Rob Brydon walking on to the stage as Father Christmas.  He did the usual thing of highlighting celebrities and sportspeople in the audience and then he spotted Lulu, looking just beautiful and he announced her like this “Ah, Lulu – I love you….“ the camera panned to Lulu who was sitting with a woman who could only be her sister given the likeness, Lulu smiles modestly, and then Brydon says in a soft, adoring voice as if he is about to pay her a compliment “You have the beautiful glow of a woman…who…” Lulu smiles back at him “….of a woman who has just received her winter fuel allowance“. Lulu looks embarassed but keeps smiling, the audience make a “ooooooh” sound, Lulu’s “sister” threw her hand up to her mouth in shock and the show goes on.  

Was it necessary? I don’t think so, Brydon has great material usually – let him sharpen that instead of his tongue when addressing a woman of a certain age who works so hard to keep herself earning a living in the world of the young.  

Brydon, Carr and Mack of course have no fear of similar humilation happening to them because there is this gentleman’s agreement, apparently among comics that you never criticise or mock another comedian – what a shame that this courtesy couldn’t be expanded to include any unsuspecting member of an audience or fellow entertainter even? 

I love smart comedy and have even started a #comedyspring tag on Twitter in the hope that a call for more smart comedy might start trending.  I am tired of the lazy, cruel, discourteous comedy that is targeted at individuals when comedy was always for ensuring that systems and states were kept in their place. Smart comedy is what brought comedy out of the dark ages of the late 1970s.  In fact, it is smart comedy that all comedians have to thank for being able to fill the O2 arena today.  If it wasn’t for Rowan Atkinson and Cambridge Footlights etc – comedy would still be in the land of “a nun, a vicar and a rabbi….”  (which, is still preferable I think to “did you see xyz this week on TV, didn’t she look ugly?). 

Some comedians seem to be under the illusion that because they don’t do racist or overtly sexist jokes – this makes them a modern comic, completely missing the point that making extremely personal comments about “fat” or “ugly” people is fast becoming the “there was this black bloke…” unacceptable comedy of the 1970s.   There is a brilliant sketch by John Thompson, “Bernard Righton” that all comedians could do well to use as a learning resource when wondering how to do smart comedy http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=svLyyzBC_qI

Is it a question of my lambasting comedians I don’t find funny? No, I find Lee Mack very funny, as I do Alan Carr, but only when they work hard and write funny material rather than rely on the lazy “oooh look there is a fat lady in aisle 4″ to get an embarassed laugh, that I am, quite frankly, tired of and will not pay for anymore.

Eileen Murphy
Twitter @EileenHMurphy
www.brief-therapy-uk.com

Noddy Holder photographed by Anthony Harvey

A friend rang me “Eileen – is it true that you were in a bar once at Christmas with Noddy Holder and the Slade Christmas song started playing?”.   “Nooooo” I assured her, “I was not in bar with Noddy Holder, I was in a bar that Noddy Holder was in“.  She rushed me on “Yeh, yep – same thing. I was just telling Lucy and she said she didn’t believe me so I wanted to ring you to prove to her”.  I tried to clarify again and said I had tweeted about it recently? “Yep, yep – Lucy loves Noddy Holder….”

As I only get star struck about John Wayne or Dolly Parton – I couldn’t see the fuss but it was interesting how she put her own truth to the story and was irritated that I needed to clarify the exact truth.  Ironically, the exact truth was more interesting, I think, than her version. I was sitting in a bar at Christmas, alone waiting for friends, and saw that there was one other person at the bar, Noddy Holder, when all of a sudden the famous Slade Christmas song came over the music system. It wasn’t that weird but it was a bit weird.  But anyway – the point is that it wasn’t the story my friend wanted to tell so she stuck to her version.

I guess we all do that, day in and day out - we adapt and edit things to create our own little truths to make up a bigger truth that suits, do we not?  Small exaggerations to spice up a story or often small tinkering with a story to make it fit our own version of the truth.  

Nowhere is this more prevelant than when mediating or counselling a couple or group. I am tempted to go so far as to say there is no such thing as truth where more than one person is involved because there will be two truths, my absolute and your absolute.

For that reason, I don’t strive for the truth when working with families otherwise the session would just get bogged down with “No I didn’t – you said a,b,c and I only said x,y,z….”  When families are in trouble for any reason, the search for truth, with a huge metaphorical magnifying glass, is produced: “when you said that, you then denied you had said it, but x heard you and I believe x more than I believe you….>” I search instead for the general vision of future harmony when their focus is not so much on the rudiments of “the truth” but on accepting that “sometimes things get misunderstood, sometimes people offend another without meaning to, sometimes people say things they don’t mean at the time and, of course, a family running healthily won’t be on guard for who said what to whom about what….” Am I beginning to sound like Donald Rumsfield?

On that note, what Donald Rumsfield actually said “There are known knowns; there are things we know we know. We also know there are known unknowns; that is to say we know there are some things we do not know. But there are also unknown unknowns – the ones we don’t know we don’t know.” is actually intellectually correct and, according to linguist Geoffrey Pullum, “impeccable - syntactically, semantically, logically, and rhetorically”.  If anyone else had said it, we would no doubt be producing it as a fridge magnet but because all the media commentators immediately lambasted him for this as foolishness, I instinctively believed it was indeed foolish because I had my own agenda about him (nothing sophisticated – just a dislike and distrust) I immediately bought into the truth that most suited me.

So – I wonder how long it will be before my friend is telling her friends that I spent the evening with Noddy Holder, drinking into the small hours while he sang that Christmas song to me personally and asked me if I wanted to be a roadie? Not a bad story really – shame it only went on in my head…..

Eileen Murphy
www.brief-therapy-uk.com
Twitter: @EileenHMurphy

I filed them in my “Motivational Literature” box and clicked on to my Twitter account and up popped a Tweet: ”When you can’t change the direction of the wind – adjust your sails” H Jackson Brown).  I smiled at how powerful I found it in comparison to the reams of motivational material.  What was it that stilled me?  Was it because, contrary to my personal and professional principles of ”no one can motivate you – but they can harness how you get motivated”  this simple statement did indeed motivate me?

Then I realised – it was an analogy, a simple analogy and analogies will always be the most powerful communication tool when we are setting out to influence, motivate and inspire because it is in the analogy that people find a resonance.

Long before therapists and Motivational Coaches - human beings learnt through analogy and metaphor. In every culture in the world, there are stories and fables that children learn from. Even in the simple tale of “The boy who cried wolf” there is a more profound lesson for children as they set out in their development than “don’t tell lies”.

Change is not simple, it can be immediate, but its not simple – our subconcious doesn’t trust it and will try to sabotage it but nothing is more effective, in my experience, than softly setting an analogy on the table and letting the client hear it, muse over it and pick it up if they so wish. 

I have written many times about I utilize the power of analogy and metaphor in my work and the only books I buy these days are about developing these skills – because language moves us, and it is when we are moved that we think, and it is when we think that we are moved to act and it is only when we are moved to act – that we change things.

Eileen Murphy
www.brief-therapy-uk.com
Twitter: @EileenHMurphy

However, when I then introduce Rehearsal for Setbacks – a look of puzzlement arrives: “isn’t that a bit negative?” they ask – “doesn’t it negate all the preparation for change if we then talk about setbacks and blips and things going wrong?”

That is often the very problem in achieving change – when a blip happens, or a setback occurs, people have not prepared for it and often lose motivation in that moment with “I tried but……”. 

For many of the clients and patients we, and our delegates work with, have experienced these setbacks and no doubt will do again and I believe that its only by preparing for them and rehearsing exactly “how they are going to deal with them” that the work towards change be truly effective. 

This is not a concept that I created – it belongs to Steve deShazer, who developed Solution Focused Brief Therapy and it is one of the reasons, I think, that it is such a healthy model. I have always believed that any intervention must be real and practical if it is to help clients in the reality of their lives: a model that conveys an “everyone can do!” is not a model that fits with me or with the clients I have worked with, some of whom see a setback as “proof that they cannot recover/change/overcome….”.

It is for this reason, that deShazer wisely introduced this rehearsal for setbacks within the model: “a rehearsal for setbacks rob them of their destructive force” he said.  A conversation might run like this:

Practitioner: When you have achieved this different behaviour you have identified - could you tell me in small detail how this will benefit you?
Client: DETAILS
Practitioner: Sometimes change is one step forward and two stepsback – what will tell you that there is a possible blip on the horizon? A possible setback?
Client: DETAILS
Practitioner: and how will you deal with that, in that moment?

and so on, in small detail, until the client has a good rehearsal for potential setbacks and relapses.

At the end of training, delegates have an “eureka!” moment and often realise that this one ingredient to helping people achieve change is vital and far from being a negative element -it reflects the realities of any work towards change.

We will cover this in detail in our one day public course Helping Individual & Families Achieve Change in London on 12th January 2012

Eileen Murphy
www.brief-therapy-uk.com